MAKING CHANGE:
WHO ARE WE
and
WHO MIGHT WE BECOME?
Our life and our personality changes and evolves over time – whether we like it or not, whether we try to stop it or not. Life and all of its circumstances and situations force us to change. Our bodies change. Our friends and family change. The world changes. Either we adapt and flow with it, be open to what we need to change or we resist and get stuck in a rut. But why do we resist when we know that changing will most likely make us happier? Why do we refuse to change when we are not happy with who we are and what we are doing in our current life?
... because change is not easy. Change involves risk and walking a path of uncertainty, leaving behind the familiar, and taking a risk with our future.
There is also the realization that we are all getting older and eventually we will face the losses of those we love and of our own life. We must adjust to this or we will die psychologically. For many of us this is indeed very frightening.
However, the changes will come nonetheless and if we do not accept and go with them we will cause ourself more pain. If we can anticipate the changes and see them as new opportunities, chances for new learning and new growth then change can be a positive and enriching experience.
So what are some of the reasons we fear changing ourselves?
Fear of losing the status quo
We may be afraid of losing the status quo. Some of us feel safe in familiarity even if we are unhappy with it. We know what we are dealing with. If we want to change then there is danger and risk ahead. How will we cope? What will be required of us then? Will we be up to the new challenges? Fear of inconsistency
Some of us fear that other people will think we are fickle and unreliable because we change. One moment we are this, the next moment we are that. But this implies that consistency is normal when it is not really. Flexibility and adaptability are more human traits. Life requires all of us to adapt to change, to endings and leavings, to losses, and to new beginnings. We are not one fixed personality. We behave one way in certain situations and another in other situations. Fear it’s an admission of failure
Some of us might think that if we change then others will think we are admitting some kind of defeat, that we have given up. However, we do change our minds about things, we do decide to try something different or we do decide to let something go. No one else can tell us what is exactly right for us. Sometimes we need to stop something we were doing. We tried and found it not suitable. BUT ... it does not mean we have failed. It may be the lack of change that is the real failing. Changing our mind about doing something may be the best thing we ever do in our life. It may be our biggest success.
Fear of losing spontaneity
Some of us think that if we consciously choose and plan to change that we are not just “going with the flow”. We should just do everything without any real conscious effort or planning. But every day we make choices to act in certain ways, do certain things, even if we are not completely aware of those choices. Also, we cannot predict our day completely. Many things come up that we were not expecting and yet we respond to them in one way or another. Here is where we truly are being spontaneous and “going with the flow”. Here is where we are showing our human ability to adapt to each situation.
Change is all about risk, about trying something new not knowing if it will work. We might make things worse, yes. On the other hand, we might just improve things greatly and what a reward that can be. If we can look at what we did as having the courage to try, no matter what, we can be proud of ourself. And instead of focusing so much on whether we succeeded or failed, we can look at what we learned and take that into the next endeavour.
[Adapted from: “Control Your Depression” by Peter M Lewinsohn, Ricardo F Muňoz, Mary Ann Youngren, Antonette M Zeiss; Chapter 13 Changing Your Personality]
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