ISSUE #71: Friday Oct 7, 2011 - Cognitive Distortions



Photo: Caer Weber

Time for the last of the cognitive distortions. Those things we do and tell ourselves, thinking we are dealing with the truth but we are really dealing with our emotions, and most often they are feelings that are not pleasant. In a way, they are defense mechanisms but they don’t work very well. In fact, they end up making us feel worse about things instead of better.

This final one is

#10 Personalization

Very simply, this is when we think we caused a negative outcome to an event that is actually external to ourself. For example, a child fails a test at school and the mother thinks it’s her fault and therefore she is a bad mother. It’s possible that she affected her child in some way but it’s also very possible that the child simply didn’t feel like studying or just had a hard time with that subject. Some of us do this though ... we “carry the whole world on our shoulders” and feel that somehow we have caused all the bad things to happen. We end up feeling terrible guilty and thus go spiralling down into depression.

So that’s all ten of them. In conclusion, when we become depressed or are already depressed we may be having thoughts that are really distorted thoughts. They are not based on the real truth or the actual facts. Then why do they seem so true and right?

Because we make the mistake of thinking

that our feelings are facts.

However, very often our feelings come from our thoughts. I think I’m guilty of something so I feel guilty then the next thought comes – well if I feel guilty then I must be guilty. In my opinion, I think these very negative thoughts and feelings are from “conditioning” as a child. If we were told we were bad or that something was our fault, even when it wasn’t really, we have no choice but to believe it at the time. Unfortunately, it often sticks and even though we are grown up, mature adults now, those old thoughts and feelings don’t go away. They are still stored in us and we still believe them. We have not learned how to dig in deep and discover where they came from and to see that they may or may not have been true at the time but they are not necessarily true now. We don’t question our thoughts.

Yesterday I had a particularly bad day. Something didn’t go right and I thought it was useless and hopeless. It seemed so clear to me that it would never go right, that I would never get what I wanted and that was it. Game over. Fortunately, through some wonderful supportive people, and through really thinking about the situation I realized it was not at all a hopeless situation. Rather, it was something I had to figure out and problem solve. That was all. It wasn’t the end of the world. But my thoughts at first were so distorted that I simply sat and cried and felt so miserable. I couldn’t see what the real picture was.

It’s a tough one. Probably most people get caught in these old ways of thinking and they seem so absolutely real and based on truth at the time and they send us reeling into the most terrible feelings about ourself and often about the world. It’s what leads many people into suicidal thinking and for some, eventually, suicide. It is the belief that something is not solvable. But most of the time it probably is. It requires some extra work, some extra thinking, maybe talking to other people to help us solve the problem or at least get a more accurate perspective on things. And even if we come to a final conclusion that it is just not doable, we may be able to find a way to accept the situation and move on to other things. In that way we might grow.

So watch out for those thoughts when you are most upset, most anxious, most depressed. Your thinking may simply be distorted. Talking to someone else may be the best thing. Hang in there. It really isn’t the end of the world. Not yet anyway.

Photo: Caer Weber

ISSUE #66: FRIDAY Sept 23, 2011 -- Cognitive Distortions



Distortions
Caer Weber

Time to cover another cognitive distortion. Those things we do and tell ourselves thinking we are dealing with the truth but we are really dealing with our emotions, and most often they are feelings that are not pleasant. In a way, they are defense mechanisms but they don’t work very well. In fact, they end up making us feel worse about things instead of better.

#9 Labelling

I’m sure many of us, if not most, are really good at labelling ourself or others almost unconsciously and it probably comes most often from an emotional place. What we are doing as well is really overgeneralizing about something.

So I make a mistake and rather than simply think “Okay, I made a mistake. What can I do about it?” I end up calling myself a “loser”, a “failure”, “what an idiot I am” etc. I immediately think of all the mistakes I’ve made in my life and thus, putting them altogether, well, of course, I’m a loser, etc.

By labelling myself this way, I spiral down into depression, or at least low self-esteem. But the fact is, I am human, and humans make mistakes all the time. Does that then make all human beings “losers”? Well, it just might, if I’m feeling negative enough about things. Yet thinking this way has only succeeded in me feeling lousy about myself and/or other people.

Many times we label others in the same way. If someone does something that hurts our feelings or makes us angry we might label them in some way “How selfish she is!”, “He doesn’t care about anyone but himself”.

So, why do we do this? My own opinion is that we are trying to protect ourself from hurt and disappointment. If we can come to the conclusion that we are a “failure” in life then every time we don’t succeed at something, well in a way we don’t disappoint ourself. See, I said I was a “failure” and I have just proved it again. It’s a bit upside down thinking but it seems like it does protects us. But at a cost. We lose hope.

The same with labelling others. If we believe someone is “selfish” then we will always expect them to act that way and thus we won’t really be hurt. Unfortunately it doesn’t work because we did feel hurt and it doesn’t go away. Labelling doesn’t make the hurt go away.

I think our best option is to admit to our disappointment or hurt and to realize that it is our expectations that really damage us. If we start out being open to possibilities such as mistakes, or the disappointment that someone has taken care of their needs before ours, we might be more realistic about life. We might be more resilient and more able to accept that all human beings do things “wrong” and that it’s alright. We can be alright. It doesn’t mean anything is “wrong” with us or the other person.

There’s always next time. What can I do differently the next time I try this? How can I tell my friend about my needs too? If we can come from a place of learning and using what we have learned we may not feel so bad about ourself. We might actually enjoy the lesson and the emotional and psychological growth that can come from such an approach.  

ISSUE #56 cont'd -- Cognitive Distortion

It’s time again for another COGNITIVE DISTORTION. Those kind of thoughts that simply make us feel worse about ourself and are not based on any kind of facts. See the index list on the right side of this page for the other ones. Today is

#8 Should Statements

This has got to be one of my “favourites”, or should I say rather “pet peeves”, and I’m willing to bet that most of us do this. I think “should” and “shouldn’t” are some of the dirtiest words in the English language. They are of no benefit to us, as far as I can see, except to make us feel guilty and bad about ourselves. Even if we do the thing we think we should do, we often end up feeling resentful and possibly eventually rebel which then might lead us straight towards apathy and feeling very unmotivated.

When we fall short of our “shoulds” we feel a sense of self-loathing, terrible guilt and shame. So what good does that do us? It does not make us do the thing we think we should do anyway. And when we place those “shoulds” on others we get angry, frustrated, and/or resentful towards them. We end up feeling bitter and self-righteous.

So why do we do this to ourselves? I think that it’s another one of those things we learned at a young age. Do you remember an adult telling you, you should do something and if you didn’t you were bad? I certainly do. Did it ever make me want to do what I was supposed to do? No. I guess our parents and teachers thought that the only way we would do certain things was to force us in some way. But what if they had sat down with us and explained why it was good to do something? What if they had taken the time to explain that sometimes we don’t feel like doing something that needs to be done? That sometimes that’s just fine. Sometimes it’s not that important.

Why didn’t they say that sometimes we have to wait a bit and then do it? Sometimes we don’t have the energy to do something. Sometimes we need something else more. Why didn’t they teach us how to look at things, examine them and see what the consequences were if we didn’t do that thing? Maybe those consequences weren’t such a big deal really. And maybe the fact that we didn’t do that thing didn’t mean we had anything to be ashamed of. We just had to accept that right now we really didn’t feel like doing that thing. And that was okay.

The most important thing they forgot to tell us was that we were not a bad person, that we did not have to feel guilty or ashamed for not doing something. They could have told us that we did need to look at the consequences or result of something not getting done and see if it was absolutely necessary to push ourself. But, you know, I don’t think our parents or teachers had those answers either. I think they had learned how to feel guilty and they passed that onto us. But now we have a chance to stop that kind of thinking, to not beat ourselves up anymore. I strongly believe that self-criticism is one of the leading causes of depression.

ISSUE #50 cont'd -- Cognitive Distortion

It’s time again for another COGNITIVE DISTORTION. Those kind of thoughts that simply make us feel worse about ourself and are not based on any kind of facts. See the index list on the right side of this page for the other ones. Today is

#7 Emotional Reasoning

This is a really tricky one, when we believe our emotions are the facts. “If I feel it, then it must be true.” Maybe sometimes they are true but if our thoughts and beliefs might be distorted then it’s more than possible that our emotions can be distorted as well.

For example, I feel really guilty about something I did .... therefore I must be a bad person. Or I feel absolutely hopeless about my life .... therefore it’s obvious that my problems are not solvable.

We have to learn to challenge our feelings, to dig deep and find out where they are coming from, and to understand that our feelings may not reflect the truth about something. Also, our feelings often come from the past, especially childhood. They come from what we learned or how we felt when we were young. Those feelings were based on what we believed then and we are still applying those beliefs to now, when we are an adult and have learned so much about life. Children’s beliefs are not always grounded in truth especially if they have no way of checking them out.

Bottom line – don’t believe everything you feel. Don’t take it as fact but investigate and challenge those feelings.

And try applying this ....

“I feel guilty about a mistake I made. It makes me think I am a bad person. But am I really?” or

“I feel like my problem is just not solvable. It makes me think that all my problems are unsolvable and that my life is hopeless. But is it really? Are all my problems not solvable?”

ISSUE #46 cont'd -- Cognitive Distortion

It’s time again for another COGNITIVE DISTORTION. Those kind of thoughts that simply make us feel worse about ourself and are not based on any kind of facts. See the index list on the right side of this page for the other ones. Today is

#6 The Binocular Trick

MAGNIFICATION or CATASTROPHIZING

and MINIMIZATION

Here’s something I’m sure many of us do. Like looking through either end of a pair of binoculars, we either magnify and exaggerate the importance of something (such as a mistake we made or maybe someone else’s achievement). We attach so much to our imperfections and mistakes and can do it to the point of an absolute catastrophe.

or ...

we minimize our own accomplishments and great qualities ... “oh it was nothing really” rather than see the effort and work we put into something, rather than feel proud of ourself. Where did we learn to do these things that really can contribute to depression? What purpose does it serve?

Feeling proud of ourself is not about bragging or boasting. It is only knowing that we have done a good job and feel the satisfying reward of it all. With that, we can go on to do it again and again. If we minimize it we may not continue.

And what about those mistakes we make? We don’t have to look at them as failures but rather ask ourself what we have learned from them. How can we do it better or differently the next time? We are human and human beings make mistakes all the time. It takes a little courage and humbleness to permit ourself our mistakes and move on from there.

It is not about who we are as a person. Our worth is not in what we do but the very fact that we exist, in our being here. Simple.

ISSUE #40 cont'd -- Cognitive Distortions

#5. Jumping to conclusions

What are cognitive distortions? Different types of thoughts that are really “wrong” thoughts, errors in thinking, that we have and that can send us spiralling down into depression. I gave you the first one “All-or-nothing thinking” in issue #15 June 29, the second one “Overgeneralization” was in issue #22 July 6, the third “Mental filter” in issue #27 July 13, fourth “Disqualifying the positive” in issue #31 July 25.

Today I talk about how we might jump to negative conclusions so often and no matter what the contrary evidence is.

MIND READING

First of all, there’s “Mind Reading”. That’s when we are sure that other people don’t really like us, even though they don’t say so or show any real signs of it. We also don’t check out what we’re assuming. For example, we see someone on the street who doesn’t see us and say hello. Maybe they are absorbed in their own thoughts but we think “See? He doesn’t like me and is trying to ignore me”. Then we respond by either withdrawing or counterattacking in some way which could then set up a negative relationship and possibly make our assumption come true eventually.

FORTUNE TELLING

The other way we jump to conclusions is through what is called “Fortune Telling”. We are very quick to predict a negative outcome about things and we take it for a fact. “I KNOW this will turn out badly.” We make the mistake of believing our fear and emotion for fact.

We may get to the point of believing that we will be depressed for the rest of our life and the situation is absolutely hopeless. Nothing will ever help. But we can’t predict the future. It’s impossible (as far as I know). We don’t know what’s just around the corner. We don’t know who we will meet tomorrow, or something we might hear next week that suddenly changes our whole outlook.

Maybe it feels safer to jump to these conclusions for then we won’t be disappointed. Better not to hope for the best possible because if it doesn’t happen my disappointment will be unbearable. Disappointment is indeed often painful and seems very difficult to bear. But as time has proven over and over, we humans can bear such feelings and more. What is guaranteed unbearable and long-lasting is the depression we create with these assumptions.

ISSUE #31 cont'd -- Information about ..

COGNITIVE DISTORTION #4

Disqualifying the Positive



What are cognitive distortions? Different types of thoughts that are really "wrong" thoughts, errors in thinking that we have and that can send us spiralling down into depression. I gave you the first one “All-or-nothing thinking” in issue #15 June 29, the second one “Overgeneralization” was in issue #22 July 6, the third “Mental filter” in issue #27 July 13.

Today let’s talk about how good some of us are at disqualifying the positive or neutral experiences in life. We make sure they don’t count so as to keep validating those negative beliefs of ours.

For example, someone gives us a compliment and we think “oh they are just being nice. It’s not really true." We aren’t looking for the nice things about us because we don’t believe we are a nice person. We want validation that we are a failure, a loser.

This is one of the worst distortions and can contribute to severe depression – believing ourself worthless or bad. Even if people say they like us we think "they just don’t know the real me."

Next time – "Jumping to conclusions" including "mind reading" and "fortune telling".

ISSUE #27 cont'd -- Information about

COGNITIVE DISTORTION #3

#3.  Mental Filter

Cognitive distortions. Different types of thoughts we have that can send us spiralling down into depression. I gave you the first one “All-or-nothing thinking” in issue #15 June 29. The second one “Overgeneralization” was in issue #22 July 6.

This distortion, “Mental filter” is when we focus on one negative detail about something and dwell on it exclusively. For example, a student realizes that she missed about 17 questions out of 100 on a test and focuses solely on those questions she missed. She even takes it to the point that she believes she will flunk out of the course. However, when she gets her test back she gets 83 questions right, gets 83% and finds out it’s the highest mark in the class. It’s the proverbial “glass half empty or glass half full” idea. She focused on the ones she missed, the negative, rather than all of the ones she got. From the focus on the negative she jumped to the conclusion that made everything negative and consequently suffered much anguish over her course.

ISSUE #22 cont'd -- Information about

COGNITIVE DISTORTION #2

Many of you may be familiar with the concept of “cognitive distortion” type of thinking that can trigger or certainly make depression worse.  A lot of “experts” in the field believe that what we think is responsible for our depression and someone, I’m not sure who, developed a list of different types of thoughts we have that can cause or make our depression worse.

I thought I might post one a week as a reminder of how we might be feeding our depressive-type feelings. I sometimes suffer depression and I know I am guilty of some of these kind of thoughts. It’s good to be reminded and certainly helps as a way of checking and reminding ourselves that there is another way and that, most of all, there is hope. We can change the way we feel by changing the way we think.

So here’s number two for the week.

#2.  Overgeneralization

Here is where you conclude that because one thing happened to you once it will happen again and again. Of course, it’s an unpleasant thing that happened too. For example, a bird “craps” on you and you think “See. Birds are always crapping on me.” But if you were to look back you might not find another time when it actually happened before.

Many of us think this when it comes to being rejected by someone else. Say you ask someone out on a first date but the person says they have a previous engagement. You automatically think “I’ll never get a date with her/him or anyone else. I’m going to be alone and miserable for the rest of my life.” Because you were turned down once you think you will always be turned down.

So why go there at all? Maybe you feel hurt and disappointed that you were turned down and you think I never want to experience that again. Of course, you feed it with things like “They just made that excuse. They are not really interested in me.” And on and on. What a great way to protect ourselves but what a great way to destroy our self-esteem as well and lead us into the spiralling down of depression. Plus, it’s not based on any fact. You can’t predict the future. Yes, you may be turned down many times in your life but there’s also the very great possibility that your offer will be accepted many times. It’s essentially down to faulty thinking and that can get you into a lot of trouble.

ISSUE #15 cont'd -- Information about

COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS

Many of you may be familiar with the concept of “cognitive distortion” type of thinking that can trigger or certainly make depression worse.  A lot of “experts” in the field believe that what we think is responsible for our depression and someone, I’m not sure who, developed a list of different types of thoughts we have that can cause or make our depression worse.

I thought I might post one a week as a reminder of how we might be feeding our depressive-type feelings. I sometimes suffer depression and I know I am guilty of some of these kind of thoughts. It’s good to be reminded and certainly helps as a way of checking and reminding ourselves that there is another way and that, most of all, there is hope. We can change the way we feel by changing the way we think.

So here’s number one.  

#1.  All-or-Nothing Thinking

Here is where we tend to evaluate our qualities in very black-or-white terms and nothing in between. Back in 1990 I was attending BCIT. I studied hard for an exam and got a mark much lower than I had expected. At that moment, I believed myself a total failure and I was going nowhere in life. I was doomed. From that moment I spiralled down into despair and headed down a dark path indeed for many years.

All-or-nothing thinking is about perfectionism. I must be perfect and anything less is just not good enough. It means I am a loser. From there we fear any mistake we make, any slight “imperfection” in our abilities or our personality will lead us to believe ourself inadequate and worthless. Oh what a dangerous road!

However, life is just not like that. It is rarely one way or the other completely. No one of us is absolutely brilliant or stupid. No one of us is totally beautiful or ugly. Our house is never perfectly clean.

When we set ourselves up with these expectations it’s no wonder we get depressed. We will never meet up with all, or most of them. We’ve got to find a way to accept exactly who we are and we don’t have to be perfect. We will most likely be accepted by others  for exactly who we are.