ISSUE #66: FRIDAY Sept 23, 2011 -- Cognitive Distortions



Distortions
Caer Weber

Time to cover another cognitive distortion. Those things we do and tell ourselves thinking we are dealing with the truth but we are really dealing with our emotions, and most often they are feelings that are not pleasant. In a way, they are defense mechanisms but they don’t work very well. In fact, they end up making us feel worse about things instead of better.

#9 Labelling

I’m sure many of us, if not most, are really good at labelling ourself or others almost unconsciously and it probably comes most often from an emotional place. What we are doing as well is really overgeneralizing about something.

So I make a mistake and rather than simply think “Okay, I made a mistake. What can I do about it?” I end up calling myself a “loser”, a “failure”, “what an idiot I am” etc. I immediately think of all the mistakes I’ve made in my life and thus, putting them altogether, well, of course, I’m a loser, etc.

By labelling myself this way, I spiral down into depression, or at least low self-esteem. But the fact is, I am human, and humans make mistakes all the time. Does that then make all human beings “losers”? Well, it just might, if I’m feeling negative enough about things. Yet thinking this way has only succeeded in me feeling lousy about myself and/or other people.

Many times we label others in the same way. If someone does something that hurts our feelings or makes us angry we might label them in some way “How selfish she is!”, “He doesn’t care about anyone but himself”.

So, why do we do this? My own opinion is that we are trying to protect ourself from hurt and disappointment. If we can come to the conclusion that we are a “failure” in life then every time we don’t succeed at something, well in a way we don’t disappoint ourself. See, I said I was a “failure” and I have just proved it again. It’s a bit upside down thinking but it seems like it does protects us. But at a cost. We lose hope.

The same with labelling others. If we believe someone is “selfish” then we will always expect them to act that way and thus we won’t really be hurt. Unfortunately it doesn’t work because we did feel hurt and it doesn’t go away. Labelling doesn’t make the hurt go away.

I think our best option is to admit to our disappointment or hurt and to realize that it is our expectations that really damage us. If we start out being open to possibilities such as mistakes, or the disappointment that someone has taken care of their needs before ours, we might be more realistic about life. We might be more resilient and more able to accept that all human beings do things “wrong” and that it’s alright. We can be alright. It doesn’t mean anything is “wrong” with us or the other person.

There’s always next time. What can I do differently the next time I try this? How can I tell my friend about my needs too? If we can come from a place of learning and using what we have learned we may not feel so bad about ourself. We might actually enjoy the lesson and the emotional and psychological growth that can come from such an approach.